Spiritual HumorCompiled by Timothy Conway LAUGHTER AS MEDICINE It is said that young children laugh as much as 100 to 200 times a day, compared to a large majority of adults who only get zero to several daily laughs. Yet laughter is good not only for the body but also for the soul and Spirit. An Internet site advises this Wellness Tip: “Go on and laugh! Whether your preference is giggle, chuckle or guffaw, here are a dozen well-being benefits of laughter: Increases antibodies in saliva that combats upper respiratory infections. Secretes an enzyme that protects the stomach from forming ulcers. Conditions the abdominal muscles. Relaxes muscles throughout the body. Aids in reducing symptoms of neuralgia and rheumatism. Changes perspective. Has positive benefits on mental functions. Reduces blood pressure and heart-rate. Helps the body fight infection. Releases endorphins which provide natural pain relief. Tightens stomach muscles. Helps move nutrients and oxygen to body tissues. AND, it makes you feel good!” So: given the above “license to laugh,” enjoy the following large selection of fun material, including humorous spiritual stories I’ve heard and read over the years, and various jokes and quips sent to me by friends from among the vast collection circulating in the ether and cyber-ether. It’s interesting how my Jewish friends send Jewish humor, my Protestant friends send Protestant humor, Catholic friends send Catholic humor, Zen friends send Zen humor… And note the recurrent, well-worn themes: God (usually the anthropomorphic "Guy in the sky"), Satan, heaven, hell, old age, death, money, men-women relationships, love, sex, mothers and fathers, children, the Bible, church, synagogue, gurus, monks, meditation, prayer, computers, and yes, road-crossing chickens, and light-bulbs needing or not needing to be screwed into their sockets by certain numbers of folks or none at all... Catholic theologian G.K. Chesterton once stated: "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly" --while devils and demons, we surmise, fell from Grace into the hell-states due to the "heaviness" of their pride, greed and anger. Thus, as my dear Sufi-Zen poet friend Thomas Burns says: “May you be ridiculously happy!”—or, if you prefer, happily ridiculous! P.S.—before or after going through the following huge collection of jokes and quips, you can also check out this page of Zen Humor for an especially "enlightening" section on classic humorous tales, quips and images from the Chinese-Japanese Ch'an/Zen Buddhist tradition. You might even fully awaken from the unfunny dream of "me" to Absolute Bliss!
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SUCCESSFUL SERMON * * * * * GOD’S LAUGHTER * * * * * DIVINE HUMOR * * * * * THE TRUTH * * * * * BUMPER STICKERS Dear Lord, protect me from your followers! Oops, my karma ran over your dogma. Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open. Hermits unite. (Slogan for proselytizers:) Let us prey. Ignorance of the Law of Karma is No Excuse! Wag more, bark less
* * * * * OVERHEARD… A toast given by a Hindu gentleman at a wedding: “A man without a wife is incomplete. And once he has a wife, he’s finished!” * * * * * HOW ENLIGHTENED ARE YOU? IF.... If you can live without caffeine, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics, --Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog! * * * * * GEORGE CARLIN, ON REVERSING LIFE'S SEQUENCE I want to live my next life backwards: GENEALOGY * * * * * GOD CREATES MAN AND WOMAN * * * * * GOD TELLS ADAM TO BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.” And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is a ‘caress’?” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “‘Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?” So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in five seconds and asked, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?” * * * * * WEDDING OFFER On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer." * * * * * YOU THINK YOU ARE SOMETHING * * * * * THE SYNAGOGUE Meanwhile, the synagogue’s janitor is off in the corner on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he has all the while been repeating in a gentle voice, “O Lord, You are everything and I am nothing… I am nothing.” The rabbi and cantor at one point listen in and, after a few moments, come to realize what he is saying. At this, the rabbi nudges the cantor and smugly says, “Look who thinks he’s nothing!” * * * * * PEACE * * * * * BEGGING * * * * * THE YOGI AND THE PIZZA * * * * * FUNERALS * * * * * THE HOLY and UNHOLY PARROTS “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots who talk, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship God, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that... that indecent phrase...in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution!” The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered the woman in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and actually praying, their pious little faces upturned toward heaven with beaks moving slightly as they prayed intently to the Lord. Very impressed, the woman walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with these very devout parrots. After a few minutes, sure enough, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” A long moment of silence ensued. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!” * * * * * GRAFFITI
* * * * * NOT GETTING THE JOKE * * * * * RANDOM QUIPS (from various unknown sources) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To test me, send money. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I don’t have a problem with willpower. It’s won’t power I have a problem with. My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot. Life is sexually transmitted. I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure. My reality check just bounced. What if there were no hypothetical questions? No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Clones are people two. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! I can resist anything but temptation God must love stupid people, he made so many. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. * * * * * TEXAN RELIGION * * * * * MISSIONARIES * * * * * “GOD’S LAW” Dear President Bush, I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness--Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women for some reason take offense at this. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord--Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there “degrees” of abomination? 7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? 8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton-polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging. * * * * * MODERN ZEN HUMOR Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist? INEBRIATED MIRACLE Upon seeing the hapless, drunken man slowly coming their way, they decide not to stare at him and shame him, but to simply look down at the sidewalk pavement as they proceed, silently saying prayers to themselves for his well-being in the embrace of the good Lord. When the gracious women have drawn even nearer to where he is, he accidentally, awkwardly lurches to his left, right into their oncoming path. The nuns simply and deftly separate for a moment, one nun going around to his left, and the other nun going around to his right, before they come together again and proceed to walk down the street arm in arm. Meanwhile the man isn’t quite sure what has just happened. He turns around in his drunken grogginess and finally exclaims to himself in an inebriated voice, “Lord save me! What a miracle! How in the world did she do that?” * * * * * CLERGY * * * * *
CHILDREN AND RELIGION
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO GOD Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison. Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You keep the ones You already have now? Jane. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother. Larry. Dear God, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. Mickey. Dear God, I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them. Nan. Dear God, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Lucy. Dear God, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma. Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK? Neil. Dear God, Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to get my brother good. Darla. Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce. Dear God, I think about You sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliot. Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? Marsha. Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene. * * * * *
PRAYER
CHILDREN’S DRAWINGS
GOD CREATES EVERYONE
WEDDING
SCHOOL LUNCH
MAKE HASTE
WORDS
COMMANDMENTS
CREATION OF MAN AND WOMAN
BECOMING A MINISTER
THE AFTERLIFE
CHURCH CANDLES
SILENCE IN CHURCH
FAMILY BIBLE
GRACE BEFORE MEALS
DEATH
MORE DEATH
CATHOLIC SCHOOL His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made such a difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room to study even more. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at the report card and, to her great surprise, Zachary had received an “A” in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” The little boy shook his head. “Well, then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?” Zachary looked at his mother and said, “No. It was on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.” * * * * * CHILDREN * * * * * * * * * * THE POPE Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. “Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope,” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. “Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license,” moaned the driver. The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he said to the dispatcher. When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” said the Chief. “I think the guy’s a big shot,” said the cop. “All the more reason.” “No, I mean really a big shot,” said the cop. “What’d ya got there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “Governor?” “Bigger than that.” “Well,” said the Chief, “who is it, then?” “I don’t know,” said the cop. “But he’s got the Pope driving for him.” * * * * * A MILLION TO ONE * * * * * SHARING Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” After a long pause, she answered... “The teeth.” * * * * * A MODERN LORD’S PRAYER * * * * * THE LESSON “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they that thirst for justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.” Then Simon Peter said: “Do we have to write this down?” And Andrew said: “Are we supposed to know this?” And James said: “Will we have a test on this?” And Phillip said: “I don’t have any paper!” And Bartholomew said: “Do we have to turn this in?” And John said: “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this!” And Matthew said: “Can I go to the boys’ room?” And Judas said: “What does this have to do with real life?” Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: “Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?” And Jesus wept. * * * * * * A PRAYER FOR THE DAY * * * * * SO I MARRIED AN ATHEIST Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.” * * * * * TWO PRIESTS The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, and enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a great-looking blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled, nodded and said, “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning, Father,” addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. “How in the world did she know we’re priests?” they asked each other. The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again the two priests in disguise settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them and greeted them individually with “Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute young lady.” “Yes?” she replied. “We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?” Replied the young woman: “Father, it’s me, Sister Angela.” * * * * * YOU WANT WHAT? The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they really feel, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘oh, it’s nothing,’ and, most important, how I can make a woman truly happy.” After a few moments, God said: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?” * * * * * COMPUTERS * * * * * JEWISH BUDDHISM * The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish. * Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with posture like that. * There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? * To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? * The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish? * Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. * If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? * Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. * Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, cheese danish. * Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. * To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. * Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? * The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy! * Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes (nobodies). * Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel. (For the goyim: a kugel is a baked side-dish, a salty casserole or sweet pudding.) * * * * * MORE JEWISH HUMOR An old Jew got a parrot from his sons after his wife died, to keep him company. Eventually he discovered that the parrot had heard him pray so often that it, too, had learned to pray. The old man was so thrilled that he took his parrot to the synagogue on Rosh Ha’shana (Jewish new year). When he entered with the bird, the rabbi tried to protest, but when the old man told them all that the parrot could pray, they got interested--though skeptical. People started betting on whether the parrot would pray, and the old man happily took all the bets. The prayer started--the bird was silent. The prayer continued--not a word from the bird. The prayer ended, and the old man, crestfallen, paid out the bets. On the way home he asked his parrot: “What did you do to me? I know you can pray, you know you can pray, and I bet you can pray--and you let me down!” Said the parrot: “Hey, look ahead--can you imagine what the odds will be like on Yom Kippur?” * * * * * A shadken (matchmaker) goes to see a poor man and says, “I want to arrange a marriage for your son.” The poor man replies, “I never interfere in my son’s life.” The shadken responds, “But the girl is Lord Rothschild’s daughter.” “Well, in that case...” Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. “I have a husband for your daughter.” “But my daughter is too young to marry.” “But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank.” “Ah, in that case...” Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. “I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president.” “But I already have more vice presidents than I need.” “But this young man is Lord Rothschild’s son-in-law.” “Ah, in that case....” * * * * * “I had the strangest dream last night,” a young Jewish man said to his psychiatrist. “I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.” The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: ”A Coke? That’s a breakfast? How do you expect to live very long doing such things?” * * * * * OLD AGE * * * * * MOTHER AND FATHER "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. * * * * * THE PHONE CALL * * * * * EVEN MORE JEWISH HUMOR Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! -- Golda Meir I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. -- Henny Youngman My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. -- David Steinberg I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen I’m astounded by people who want to “know” the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. -- Woody Allen. I'm Jewish. I don't work out athletically. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. --Joan Rivers “Genius” defined: a “C” student with a Jewish mother. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates? Q: What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?” Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,” to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!” Hanna Bromfeld was hanging up her husband’s jacket when suddenly she became furious, for she had spotted a long grey hair on the shoulder. “I see,” she screeched, “you were at your mother’s to get sympathy again!” Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. --Peter Malkin Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? Four Jewish mothers are sitting together playing bridge. The first one lets out a long sigh and heartfelt “Oy!” A few minutes later, the second bubbe also sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!” A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!” To which the fourth Jewish mother says: “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children!” Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat. A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, riding in the same subway car, noticed this bizarre phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched over to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news here is so much better!" * * * * * CHIEF SAMURAI (with apologies to those who would “never hurt a fly”) * * * * * THE GAMBLING RAID Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, “With whom could I be gambling?” * * * * * JUSTICE * * * * * BURIAL PLANS * * * * * THE OLD PRIEST AND YOUNG RABBI About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?” The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Rabbi: I’m not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you DIDN’T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.” Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read: “Dear Father: I’m not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you DON’T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.” * * * * * CONVERSION One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy? Give up your precious religion for a price?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Hey, fifty bucks is fifty bucks! I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he comes out with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, a bit disgusted, "did you get your fifty dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people can ever think about?" * * * * *
ON THE JOYS OF HOLY MATRIMONY I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me! My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in New York and mine is in New Jersey. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away.” The next day, the man says, “Did you do what I told you to?” “Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!” I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. * * * * * MORE QUIPS ON HOLY MATRIMONY Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such persons as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? --Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1850 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. --Michel de Montaigne, d.1592 Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. --Anonymous It may be just coincidence, but man’s best friend (the dog) cannot talk. --Anonymous Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. -H.L. Mencken, d.1956 The whole pleasure of marriage is that it is a perpetual crisis. --G.K. Chesterton, d.1936 Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline. --G.K. Chesterton In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. --Helen Rowland I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it. --Zsa Zsa Gabor (married nine times) After marriage, husband and wife become like two sides of a coin: they can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. --Spike Milligan A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. --Frank Sinatra Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. --Jim Backus Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. --Joey Adams My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. --Erma Bombeck I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. --Joey Adams Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? --Groucho Marx Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. --Lynn Lavner Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. --Sharon Stone Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --Robin Williams See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. --Robin Williams [Two works of graffiti seen on a bathroom wall:] I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men. --Dave Barry * * * * * HOW TO BE MISERABLE * * * * * QUIPS FROM MARK TWAIN If you tell the truth you won’t have to remember anything. Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. It is easier to stay out than get out. Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. Who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. A man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. It is wiser to find out than suppose. The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t. [On fundamentalists' barbaric idea of God:] Strange... a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied seventy times seven and invented Hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him! Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion-– several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. The report of my death was an exaggeration. * * * * * QUIPS FROM G.K. CHESTERTON Mysticism is a transcendental form of common sense. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. There are two ways of getting home; and one of them is to stay there. Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair. From time to time, as we all know, a sect appears in our midst announcing that the world will very soon come to an end. Generally, by some slight confusion or miscalculation, it is the sect that comes to an end. Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance. The act of defending any of the cardinal virtues has today all the exhilaration of a vice. It is ludicrous to suppose that the more sceptical we are the more we see good in everything. It is clear that the more we are certain what good is, the more we shall see good in everything. No sceptical philosopher can ask any questions that may not equally be asked by a tired child on a hot afternoon. It is assumed that the sceptic has no bias; whereas he has a very obvious bias in favour of scepticism. Pride consists in a man making his personality the only test, instead of making truth the test. The sceptic feels himself too large to measure life by the largest things; and ends by measuring it by the smallest thing of all. If there were no God, there would be no atheists. A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it. Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions. When learned men begin to use their reason, then I generally discover that they haven't got any. [On so many rich men:] To be smart enough to get all that money you must be dull enough to want it. He is a [sane] man who can have tragedy in his heart and comedy in his head. Tradition means giving votes to the most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead. Tradition refuses to submit to that arrogant oligarchy who merely happen to be walking around. A detective story generally describes six living men discussing how it is that a man is dead. A modern philosophic story generally describes six dead men discussing how any man can possibly be alive. The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried. The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man. It's not that we don't have enough scoundrels to curse; it's that we don't have enough good men to curse them. The whole truth is generally the ally of virtue; a half-truth is always the ally of some vice. It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong. There'd be a lot less scandal if people didn't idealize sin and pose as sinners. There are some desires that are not desirable. The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. * * * * * MORE WISE & ZANY QUIPS Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens. --Michel de Montaigne, essayist (1553-1592) The man who doesn’t know what the universe is doesn’t know where he lives. --Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor and stoic philosopher (121-180) I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. --Galileo Galilei, scientist (1564-1642) It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. --Aeschylus, Greek playwright (525-455 BCE) He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.--Thomas Jefferson, most influential Founding Father of USA and 3rd President (1743-1826) The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. --Dante Rossetti, painter (1828-1882) Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. --Sir Francis Bacon, British scientist-philosopher-essayist-statesman (1561-1626) It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. --James Thurber, author (1894-1961) Ageing isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives.--Maurice Chevalier, actor (1888-1972) The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever. --Anatole France, author (1844-1924) We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.--Jonathan Swift, novelist (1667-1745) Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. --Blaise Pascal, Catholic mystic (1623-62) Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. --Voltaire, French Enlightenment essayist, deist philosopher (1694-1778) How many observe Christ's birthday! How few his precepts! O! 'tis easier to keep holidays than commandments.--Benjamin Franklin, statesman, inventor (1706-90) Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live for it. --Charles Caleb Colton, English cleric-writer (1780-1832) I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows. --Susan B. Anthony, women's rights leader (1820-1906) How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. --Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. President (1809-1865) It’s better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. --Abe Lincoln Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself. --H.L. Mencken, American journalist, essayist, satirist (1880-1956) It’s not so much what folks don’t know that causes problems; it’s what they do know that ain’t so. --Artemus Ward / C.F. Browne, American humorist (1834-67) Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. --Andre Gide, French author (1869-1951) A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. --Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister (1874-1965) The secret of success is this: there is no secret of success.... Life is just one damned thing after another. --Elbert Hubbard, American author-artist-philosopher (1856-1915) Only barbarians are not curious about where they come from, how they came to be where they are, where they appear to be going, whether they wish to go there, and if so, why, and if not, why not.--Isaiah Berlin, Latvian-British political philosopher (1909-97) Don't be so humble; you are not that great. --Golda Meir, Israeli Prime Minister (1898-1978) Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals. --Agnes Repplier, American essayist (1855-1950) "Egotist," noun: A person more interested in himself than in me. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. --Charles Schulz, American cartoonist (1922-2000) Life is what happens while you are making other plans. --John Lennon, Beatles singer-composer (1940-1980) The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. --Paul Fix, American actor (1901-83) Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor. --Robert A. Heinlein, science fiction author (1907-88) A long and wicked life followed by five minutes of perfect grace gets you into Heaven. An equally long life of decent living and good works followed by one outburst of taking the name of the Lord in vain-- then have a heart attack at that moment and be damned for eternity. Is that the system? --Robert A. Heinlein In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. --sci-fi author Douglas Adams (1952-2001) An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?" --Annie Dillard, American author (b.1945) I think it's ironic that the only people who claim that humans are too advanced to have evolved naturally are the ones who demonstrate the least advanced mode of thinking.--John Petrie (see his huge collection of quips at jpetrie.myweb.uga.edu/Miscellaneous_Quotes.html) Religious belief is a fine guide around which a person might organize his own life, but an awful instrument around which to organize someone else's life.--Richard D. Mohr The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish.--Robert Jackson Philosophy is a set of questions that may never be answered. Religion (for most people) is a set of answers that may never be questioned. --anonymous We seem to have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart? --The Vent Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. --Steven Wright There is only one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked. --Groucho Marx Add a few drops of malice to a half truth and you have an abso-lute truth. --Eric Hoffer, American social writer (1902-83) God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. --anonymous Lord: Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. --anonymous Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. --anonymous A wise man never knows all; only fools know everything. --Unknown It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. --Miss Manners People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do. --Unknown
* * * * *
CHANGING A LIGHTBULB How many different Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatics - Only one: Hands are already in the air, Praise Jesus! Roman Catholics - None. They use candles. Pentecostals - Ten. One to change, nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians - None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. Episcopalians - Ten. One to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they like the old one better. Mormons - Ten. One man to change the bulb, and nine wives to tell him how to do it. United Methodists - We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Southern Baptists - Change?!?!? We’re not going to change anything, praise the Lord! * * * * * Q: How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb? Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? * * * * * ON THE SIN OF GLUTTONY (and trying to lose weight!) I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me! I have a weight problem: I can't wait to start eating!!! I'm not overweight, I'm undertall. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.--Steven Wright Never tell your mom her diet's not working.--Joel, 14, Advice from Kids Another good weight reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back. -Robert Quillen I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating.--Tommy John Relish today. Catchup tomorrow. I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it? I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days. Isn't it weird that 'Stressed' is 'Desserts' spelled backwards? A woman's favorite three words aren't "I love you" but rather: "You've lost weight!" How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste. --Dave Barry * * * * * CHICKEN CROSSING Taoist sage Lao Tzu:* Also from Lao Tzu: Buddha: Star Trek’s Captain Kirk: Plato:** Zeno of Elea: John Lennon:** Colonel Sanders (of KFC—Kentucky Fried Chicken): Hugh Hefner (the “Colonel Sanders of Hot Chicks”):* Dr. Seuss: Ernest Hemingway: Martin Luther King Jr.:** Louis Farrakhan: Grandpa:** Barbara Walters: Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Phil: George Bush:** Colin Powell: Ralph Nader: Pat Buchanan: Jerry Falwell: Ronald Reagan:** Bill Clinton: Sigmund Freud:** Carl Jung:* H.P. Lovecraft: Howard Cosell (sportscaster): Bill Gates: William Blake: Weekly World News: Thomas Jefferson: Karl Marx: Voltaire: Che Guevara:* X-Files’ Fox Mulder: X-Files’ Scully: Sir Isaac Newton: Albert Einstein:** Physicist Werner Heisenberg: Timothy Leary (smiling):** Jean Paul Sartre (not smiling):** Albert Camus:** Jacques Derrida:* Jacques Derrida (asked the same Q on another occasion): Vito Corleone: Rogue cops in the L.A.P.D. (Los Angeles Police Dept.): Nancy Grace: O.J. Simpson: Mark Twain: Steven Wright: * * * * * GOLF Jesus however, still fully 250 yards away from the hole, pulled out a two-iron and declared, “I’m going for it, I’m shooting directly for the hole.” Moses said, “Jesus, that’s ridiculous. You can’t hit a two-iron 250 yards.” And Jesus replied, “I once saw Jack Nicklaus do it, and if he could do it, I can do it.” And with that, he hits a tremendous shot toward the green. But, sure enough, it’s a case of “not enough club,” and his ball doesn’t quite reach the putting green but instead plops into the water just a few feet from the far end of the pond. As they walk further down the fairway, Moses can’t suppress an “I-told-you-so” grin. Jesus looks nonchalant. Moses then plays his third shot beautifully, the ball drawing to within a foot of the hole. Jesus then walks out onto the pond and, miraculously, hits the shallowly submerged ball right up out of the pond, and onto the green, where it then rolls to within just 6 inches away from the hole. Meanwhile, a party of golfers that has teed off behind them and is coming up the fairway sees what has just happened. One of them yells out, “Hey—who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” To which Moses yells back in response, “He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Jack Nicklaus!” * * * * * SACRED RELIGIOUS TRUTHS (We’ve probably all heard or seen that crude bumper-sticker saying, “Shit happens.” Someone—or, more likely, a group of different folks—then wrote it up in the early 1990s as a humor piece involving the different major religions and denominations. There were about a dozen items in the original version, some of them not so funny. One wild and crazy night, in a bizarre channeling of some demented humor angel in a combination with my own knowledge of world religions and new religious movements, many elaborations on the theme burst forth. So, as with a previous humor item, my creations are noted with an asterisk*; a double asterisk** is my elaboration of an already-existing item from the original anonymous version. The newer items on this list were drafted in 1992 by Timothy Conway, Ph.D. [Piled Higher and Deeper]. And if the use of this term “shit” offends your sense of piety—it was, after all, one of those “seven words you can’t say on TV” as immortalized in a famous George Carlin routine from the late 1970s—then please skip over this humor section and go on to the next section. We'll leave it to Freud and his followers to determine whether the following better expresses an “anal retentive” or “anal explosive” psychosexual fixation!) CONVENTIONAL SAYING: ATHEISM: CATHOLICISM: PROTESTANTISM: JUDAISM: FUNDAMENTALISM:* ISLAM:** CONFUCIANISM: TAOISM:* HINDUISM: NONDUAL VEDANTA:* HATHA YOGA:* BUDDHISM:* MAHAYANA BUDDHISM:* TIBETAN BUDDHISM:* ZEN BUDDHISM:** GREEK DELPHIC ORACLE:* NATIVE AMERICAN:* WICCA PAGANISM:* SPIRITUALISM:* NEW AGE:* COURSE IN MIRACLES:* SHIRLEY MACLAINE-ISM:* SCIENTOLOGY:* UFO CULTS:* RASTAFARIAN:** EXISTENTIALISM:* PATRIARCHALISM:* FEMINISM:* THE FINAL TRUTH:* THE REALLY FINAL TRUTH:*
* * * * * GENDER WARS: * * * * * BIRTHDAY PRESENT * * * * * WISDOM FROM SWAMI BEYONDANANDA (Steve Bhaerman, author of several books and also a famous "answer man" column, with recommendations such as remedying "humorroids" by taking a "laughsitive" to enjoy "regular-hilarity") The Declaration of “All-Out Peace” Swami Beyondananda, spiritual leader to millions of FUNdamentalists (accent on “fun”) has launched a worldwide “blisskrieg” in a declaration of “all out peace!” Speaking from a platform at his new virtual address at www.wakeuplaughing.com, the Swami said, “We’ve been holding our peace for far too long. It’s time to let it out! Why should peacekeepers keep the peace for themselves when the world needs it so badly nowadays?” The Swami was interrupted numerous times by gleeful supporters shouting the peace mantra, “Ah ... peace on it!” and waving banners reading “Our World: Love It Or Leave It!” “Play For Nonjudgment Day” and Disarmaggedon Is Near!” “It’s a fight to the life!” Swami told his minions, vowing to open the floodgates of love, light and laughter to cleanse the body politic of cultural, economic and political toxins that have caused folks to “take things poisonally” -- and perpetuate war. “These are challenging times,” said the Swami, “which call for Emerge-n-See measures. It is time for us to emerge from our fearful and powerless hiding places and see the big picture. We have met the Savior and He is Us. I see all these Children of God praying for Jesus to intervene, but we cannot expect to be fed intervenously forever. Time for Children of God to grow up, for Christ’s sake, and become Adults of God for a change. Playful adults, that is.” “Because the key to lasting peace is laughter,” he told the crowd. “Do you know what the leading cause of war and terrorism is? I will tell you. It is seriousness. Seriousness is the most serious problem we face on the planet today. I’m serious. Think about it. Every terrorist act -- not to mention terror itself -- begins with seriousness. Everywhere we look, we are faced with laugh-threatening seriousness.” The Swami called on his supporters to “report any serious behavior to the Department of Omland Security.” “Levity, on the other hand, helps us rise above whatever’s been bringing us down,” the Swami continued. “Did you know that one Youngman of laughter -- approximately the mirth contained in the average one-liner -- can release up to a megahurt of emotional pain?” Finally, the Swami outlined his plan for conducting the Blisskrieg and waging all out peace. “It is very simple indeed. While it makes no sense to take up arms against warfare, it makes all the sense in the world to lift up arms and embrace anything that nourishes peace.” Whereupon Swami offered the following 5-point plan to spark outbreaks of peace all across the planet: 1. Create A Department of Emerge-n-See Planning Now. If war is a necessary evil, why not seek peace as a necessary good? We should be putting at least as much energy and money into secretly plotting peace-- sneaking food and clothing into war-torn nations under the cover of darkness, sending tanks to drought-stricken areas so that they can capture rainwater, sending in comedy troops in an all-out amfunniest assault-- and an even more controversial measure, dropping canisters of laughing gas on persistent pockets of seriousness. 2. Enlist the World Religions to Do Something Useful. Prayer works. According to Dr. Larry Dossey and others who have studied the healing power of prayer, surgery patients who were prayed for tended to heal more quickly. Not only that, but if the people who were doing the praying were also prayed for, results were even better! And it worked regardless of the language or religion they were praying in. Instead of engaging in that childish and destructive game, “My dogma’s better than your dogma,” the major religions would do better to organize a worldwide prayer calm-petition-- it could be called the God Will Games-- and donate the proceeds to ending spiritual hunger on the planet. Regardless of who wins the pray-offs, everyone will benefit. 3. Support the Alter Native Economy. If we’re going to aggressively wage peace, we want to spend more of our wages peacefully. So support the alter native economy-- whatever alters the natives for the better. Our lives are byproducts of what we buy. So if you want to counteract the profits of doom, only buy products with healthful and helpful byproducts. And consider trading in your old Dodge for an Evolvo and running your karma on esteem. Rising esteem can actually improve the overall atmosphere by causing the heart to warm, and the head to cool. This may be the answer to global warming! 4. Support the Peace Effort on the Om Front. We’ve heard the experts say nothing will bring peace, so I say let’s prove ‘em right. Our lives are so filled up with somethings that we have no room for nothing anymore! That’s why my ultimate meditation tape, Sounds of Silence, is completely blank. Think about it. Our minds are filled up with information everywhere we go. After a busy day thinking of everything, what a welcome relief it is to think of nothing. So as part of my work on behalf of inner peace, you can now come to my Om Page and download as much healing silence as you need-- absolutely free! And you can do your part for world inner peace by sending some peaceful silence to a friend. Sure this is a peacemeal approach, but it works. A little peace here, a little peace there, and pretty soon you have one big peaceful meal everywhere. 5. Spread Contagious Laughter Wherever You Go. If we truly want to bring about Nonjudgment Day, we need to do whatever we can to increase the laugh force on the planet. Take the funniest jokes from the internet, and share them on the outernet. Commit random acts of harmless comedy. Practice Fun-Shui by creating playful beauty everywhere. Make sure you spend some time each week laughing with friends and loved ones. Remember that when it comes to laughter, the more the merrier. And remember too, what goes around comes around. In other words, the laugh you save may be your own. * * * * * TWO STORIES FROM MICHAEL BROOME (author of Be a Liver of Life Not a Gall Bladder: An Encouraging, Insightful and Humorous Perspective on Personal & Professional Growth, 2006) After the funeral (for a close elder relative), my wife and children stayed home while I had to leave town for three days. As I was driving to the airport, I got really depressed. Getting onto the plane, I was so depressed, I said a prayer: “Lord, I’m so down; you’ve got to send me someone to inspire me or give me encouragement.” Well, I kid you not, just 30 seconds after saying that prayer, as I get onto that plane and get back to my seat, there seated right beside me is a priest!—I could tell, he was wearing one of those white collars. I don’t know about you folks, but wow! Goose bumps appeared on my arms. I knew I was in the presence of a miraculous event. And I sat down and I looked him right in the eye and said to him, “I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you!” And he looked back at me and this is what he said to me: “Sorry… no speak English.” Don’t let your home become a negative environment. I’ll give you two statements that will do more than anything to heal your conflicts with loved ones. Learn to say, “I’m sorry” and learn to say, “I love you.” And I don’t think a day doesn’t go by that my wife says, “I’m sorry I love you.” * * * * * LONG LIFE * * * * * TURBULENT TIMES * * * * * GRANDMA’S DRIVING So today I was sitting in my car at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, “for the love of God, GO! GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! * * * * * DENOMINATIONS * * * * * TEN COMMANDMENTS * * * * * POLITICAL PARTIES * * * * * MONEY So you see money isn’t everything, it doesn’t buy you happiness. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE! * * * * * POWER OF AFFIRMATIONS The little boy is puzzled, but continues down the hallway to go relieve himself at the toilet. The next night, during the wee hours, the little boy again is feeling the urge to go urinate. Walking down the hallway, he hears some sounds emanating from his mom's bedroom, and he looks inside to see that his mother is playing amorously with a man. The little boy does not know what to make of this.... Then, while urinating, the little boy suddenly gets an inspired idea. Finishing off his business, he quickly runs back to his own bedroom, peels off his pajamas, jumps onto his bed, and begins running his fingers along his naked body, moaning: "Oh, I want a bicycle! Oh, I want a bicycle!!" * * * * * CONFESSION “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?” “Ah, yes, Father, it is.” “And, who was the woman you were with?” “Sure and I can’t be tellin’ you, Father! I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Patricia Kelly?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Liz Shannon?” “I’m sorry, Father but I can’t name her.” “Was it Cathy Morgan?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona McDonald, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for 4 weeks. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” Says Tommy: “A month’s vacation and five good leads!” * * * * * CONFESSION Old Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times. * * * * * A WEE SCOTTISH TALE "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Ian." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noow aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Ian." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg. " The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Ian." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" * * * * * HEAVEN One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on an exotic vacation and their little plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “for this is your reward in Heaven.” The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, more beautiful than any ever seen on Earth. “What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man. “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.” Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from rich entrees with thick sauces to exotic deserts. “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.” The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” he asked. “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. After all, this is Heaven!” The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” said St. Peter. “No testing my blood pressure or...?” “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago already!” * * * * * SKINNY DIPPING After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest both asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.” * * * * * WEDDING PLANS Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.” * * * * * CHURCH BULLETINS The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.” Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget to bring your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.” A rice-and-bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM--prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn-singing in the park across from the Church. So bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in th |