Zen Humor

CLASSIC HUMOR FROM THE CH’AN / ZEN BUDDHIST TRADITION

Compiled by Timothy Conway

[Drawn from many sources, including Thomas Cleary (Tr.), The Blue Cliff Record (Chinese: Pi Yen Lu; Jap.: Hekiganroku), 3 vols., Shambhala, 1977; D.T. Suzuki, Essays in Zen Buddhism (3 vols.), Rider & Co., 1949 onward; Conrad Hyer, Zen and the Comic Spirit, Rider & Co., 1974; Irmgard Schloegl, The Wisdom of the Zen Masters, New Directions, 1975; Philip Kapleau, Three Pillars of Zen, Beacon Press, 1967; Paul Reps, Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, Doubleday Anchor Books ed., based on volumes first published in the 1930s.]

[NOTE: For background material on Buddhism, the Buddha Siddhartha (566-486 BCE), a profile of great Zen Buddhist master Bankei (1622-93), and the teachings of the Taoists who influenced Ch'an/Zen in the Far East, see the relevant links at the Religion & Spirituality section of our website.]

PURE NOTHING
The first Patriarch of this "meditation" school of Buddhism (Chinese: Ch'an; Japanese: Zen, from the Indian Sanskrit word Dhyana), was Bodhidharma. He came from southern India to southern China in 527 CE and soon visited Emperor Wu-ti, founder of the Liang dynasty at Nanking and one of Buddhism’s greatest all-time patrons in China.

Emperor Wu asked Bodhidharma about the highest meaning of noble Truth, and Bodhidharma replied, “Vast emptiness, there is no noble Truth.” “Who, then, is standing before me?” “I don’t know,” said Bodhidharma. Emperor Wu then asked the enigmatic Indian sage how much karmic merit he, the emperor, had accumulated by building monasteries, ordaining monks, sponsoring translations and copies of scriptues and making Buddhist art-images. Bodhidharma was quite blunt: “No merit whatever!” And he left the region.

SHOW ME YOUR EGO-MIND
One of the most famous legends spun about Bodhidharma is that the seeker Hui-k’o patiently stood deep in the nocturnal snow outside the old master’s cave, yearning for instruction. He finally hacked off his own left forearm and presented it as a demonstration of his sincere aspiration for complete enlightenment. (In Tao-hsüan’s earlier account, wandering bandits cut off his arm.) Bodhidharma told Hui-k’o: “This enlightenment is not to be sought through another.” Hui-k’o begged to have his agitated self or mind pacified. The sage retorted, “Show me your self and I will pacify it.” Hui-k’o said “I’ve sought it many years but can’t get hold of it.” Bodhidharma then declared: “There! It is pacified once and for all.” Upon hearing this, suddenly Hui-k’o completely awakened to his transcendent True Nature before/beyond the ego-self. He was designated the second Patriarch of Ch'an Buddhism.

PERFECTION
The third Chinese Ch’an Patriarch, Seng-t’san (d.606) wrote: “One in all, all in one—if only this is realized, no more worry about your not being ‘perfect!’”

THE WISE MAN
The fourth Chinese Ch’an Patriarch, Tao-hsin (580-651), stated: “The wise man does nothing, the fool ties himself up.”

PRAYER FLAG
Some monks were sitting quietly in the garden of a Buddhist monastery on a calm, beautiful day. The prayer flag on the roof started fluttering and flapping in a breeze. A young monk observed: “Flag is flapping.” Another monk said: “Wind is flapping the flag.” The third monk, the great sixth Patriarch Hui-neng, declared: “It is your minds that are flapping.” Centuries later another monk, Wu-men Hui-k’ai (1183-1260), commented on this episode: “Flag, wind, minds flapping. Several mouths were flapping!”

THE RIVER
Two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, traveling on pilgrimage, came to a muddy river crossing. There they saw a lovely young woman dressed in her kimono and finery, obviously not knowing how to cross the river without ruining her clothes. Without further ado, Tanzan graciously picked her up, held her close to him, and carried her across the muddy river, placing her onto the dry ground. Then he and Ekido continued on their way. Hours later they found themselves at a lodging temple. And here Ekido could no longer restrain himself and gushed forth his complaints: “Surely, it is against the rules what you did back there…. Touching a woman is simply not allowed…. How could you have done that? … And to have such close contact with her! … This is a violation of all monastic protocol…” Thus he went on with his verbiage. Tanzan listened patiently to the accusations. Finally, during a pause, he said, “Look, I set that girl down back at the crossing. Are you still carrying her?”
(Based on an autobiographical story by Japanese master Tanzan, 1819-1892)

DROP IT
A young monk brought two potted plants into the monastery’s garden while the Zen master looked on. “Drop it,” instructed the master. The young monk gently let down one pot. “Drop it,” again ordered the master. The monk let go the second pot. “DROP IT!” roared the master. The young monk stammered, “But… I have nothing more to drop.” “Then take it away,” said the old master, smiling.

FINAL TRANSMISSION
A wise old Zen master, very near death, lay quietly on his mat with his eyes closed, all his disciples gathered around. Kneeling closest to him was his number one disciple, a longtime practitioner who would succeed the old man as head of the monastery. At one point the old master opened his eyes, and lovingly gazed at each and every one of his disciples assembled in the crowded room. Finally his glance rested on his successor, and he managed to speak his last words to the man: “Ah, my son, you have a very thorough knowledge of the teachings and scriptures, and you have shown great discipline in keeping the precepts. Your behavior has, in fact, been flawless. Yet there is one more thing remaining to be cleared up: you still reek and stink of ‘Zen’!”

WHO ARE YOU?
Keiji, a long-time Zen student, approached his master and said: “I don’t see how there can be any enlightenment that sets you free once and for all. I think we just get ever greater glimpses of Buddha-nature, the vastness that is our true Reality. It’s an ever-expanding process.” The master, looking penetratingly at Keiji, replied. “That may be what you think. But what is your experience, your experience right now?” Keiji looked momentarily confused. “My experience right now, Master?” “Yes. Do you know yourself as Keiji, having ever-expanding experiences of Buddha-nature? Or do you know yourself as Buddha-nature, having the experience of Keiji?”

THE MASTER’S TEACHING
Chinese Ch’an master Ma-tsu asked master Hui-hai (8th century), “What great spiritual truth do you teach?” Hui-hai raised his fan. Ma-tsu remarked, “Is that all? Nothing else?” Master Hui-hai then lowered his fan.

VISITING TEACHER
When Ch’an Master Te-shan (782-865) arrived at Kuei-shan monastery, he carried his bundle with him into the teaching hall, where he crossed from east to west and then from west to east. He looked around at all the monks assembled and said, “There’s nothing here, no one.” Then he went out.

EMPTINESS
When Tesshu, the famous medieval samurai swordsman, was young and headstrong, he visited one Zen master after another. Once he went to visit Master Dokuon and triumphantly announced to him the classic Buddhist teaching that all that exists is empty, there is really no you or me, and so on. The master listened to all this in silence. Suddenly he snatched up his pipe and struck Tesshu’s head with it. The infuriated young swordsman would have killed the master there and then, but Dokuon said calmly, “Emptiness is sure quick to show anger, is it not?” Tesshu left the room, realizing he still had much to learn about Zen.

THE TRULY WISE OLD MONK A young Zen monk was recognized by his teacher as having experienced an initial breakthrough enlightenment (Japanese: satori, kensho). His teacher then told the young man that, for realizing complete, irreversible enlightenment (Sanskrit.: anuttara-samyak-sambodhi), he would need to study under a certain wise old master whose small temple was situated in another part of the country. And so the young man set off to meet the old master. After several weeks of travel, he finally arrived at the remote temple. The sentry told him that all the other monks were working at their daily chores, and sent the young man straightaway to the meditation hall to meet the venerable master.

Entering the meditation hall, the young monk espied an old man doing repeated prostrations to a simple statue of the Buddha, softly chanting the name of Buddha Amida (who saves all sentient beings from suffering). The young man was shocked. Having realized from his teacher the basic truth that the Self or Buddha-nature is formless openness-emptiness, utterly transcendent and all-pervasive, he was a bit disturbed to see the old man apparently still caught up in such “dualistic” practices—ritually bowing to an idol and chanting with devotion to a mythical Buddha.

And so he came up to the aged monk, introduced himself, and, from his “truly enlightened” perspective, proceeded to lecture the old man on the futility and stupidity of worshipping mere forms. Finally, his brief rant over, he realized that, having traveled such a long way to meet the “master,” he should probably ask the old monk for whatever wisdom he had to share. “So, old man, what can you tell me about full enlightenment?”

In response, the master resumed sincerely bowing in gratitude before the statue of the Buddha, gently invoking the Name of Amida on behalf of all beings….

And, in a flash, the young man fully understood the way of true spirituality.

THE MOON OF ENLIGHTENMENT
Zen masters have often spoken of Enlightenment as like the moon shining brightly in the dark sky, while the Zen Buddhist teachings are like a finger pointing up toward the moon. Too many people, however, instead of gazing at the great moon, prefer to relentlessly suck on the finger!

EXPERIENCES
A student went to see his meditation teacher and said, “My situation is horrible! I feel so distracted most of the time, or my legs ache, or I’m repeatedly falling asleep. It’s terrible.” Said the teacher matter-of-factly, “It will pass.”

A week later, the student returned to his teacher. “My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive!” “It will pass,” replied the teacher.

MIND
Ch’an master Fa-yen (885-958) interrupted an argument among some monks concerning the relationship of mind to reality by posing to them a question: “Over there is a large boulder. Do you say that it is inside or outside your mind?” One of the monks replied, “From the Buddhist viewpoint everything is an objectification of mind, so that I would have to say that the stone is inside my mind.” Quipped Fa-yen, “Your head must be very heavy!”

MIND: PART TWO
Ch’an master Huang-po (d.850) said: “Many people are afraid to empty their own minds lest they plunge into the Void. Ha! What they don’t realize is that their own Mind is the Void.”

ENLIGHTENMENT: PART ONE
Japanese Zen master Hakuin (1685-1768) spoke: “If you want to get at the pristine truth of egolessness, you must once and for all let go your hold and fall over the precipice!”

ENLIGHTENMENT: PART TWO
Concerning terms for enlightenment and liberation like “Bodhi,” “Nirvana,” etc., Chinese Ch’an master Lin-chi (d.867) would say: “These words are a stake to which donkeys are fastened!”

ENLIGHTENMENT: PART THREE
When asked about “enlightenment,” wise old Bishop Nippo Syaku, head of a few Ekayana Buddhist temples in California, replied: “Ah, enlightenment… You can’t fall into it. You can’t fall out of it!”

A CAREER
Japan’s Zen Master Harada Sogaku (1870-1961) once wrote: “For 40 years I’ve been selling water by the bank of a river! / Ho! Ho! / My labors have been wholly without merit.”

HOLY FOOL
Harada-roshi taught: “My admonition is this: be a Great Fool! A petty fool is nothing but a worldling. But a Great Fool is a Buddha!”

HELP
Japanese Rinzai Zen Master Ikkyu (d.1481) told one visitor: "I'd like to offer something to help you. But in the Zen School we don't have a single thing!"

VISIONS
Harada-roshi’s successor Hakuun Yasutani (1885-1973) declared: “To see a beautiful vision of a celestial Buddha does not mean that you are any nearer to becoming one yourself!”

THE TEACHINGS
So wisely unattached are the Zen masters to the elements of their own tradition, that the great Zen painter Sengaku (1750-1837) could sketch an image—almost incredible in the context of most other religions—of a monk leaning over to relieve himself of intestinal gas, with the accompanying calligraphic inscription: “One Hundred Days of Buddhist Spiritual Teaching!”

When, earlier in his ministry as a Zen roshi, Takuan was asked by a monk whether he ever performed the sacred Nembutsu recitation of the Name of Amida Buddha, he replied, “No, never.” “Why not?” “Because I don’t want my mouth polluted!”

SPEECH-SILENCE
Chinese Ch’an master I-tuan (9th century), disciple of Nan-ch’uan, declared: “Speech is blasphemy! Silence is a lie! Above speech and silence, there is a way out.”

TRADITION
When Ch’an master Yün-men (864-949) was asked by a monk for details about the life and teaching of ancient sage Nagarjuna, the renowned Indian master of the 2nd century, considered a primary Patriarch of Ch’an/Zen and other schools of Buddhism, Yün-men smilingly replied: “In India there are ninety-six classes of heretics, and you belong to the lowest.”

SUCCESSION
When the 6th Patriarch of Chinese Ch’an Buddhism, Hui-neng (638-713), was asked on what basis he succeeded the 5th Patriarch in this lineage of Buddhism, Hui-neng instantly replied, “Because I do not understand Buddhism.”

PRACTICE
Hui-neng’s successor, Master Nan-yüeh, came upon young Ma-tsu who had been ardently spending all his days sitting in meditation at a temple. The master asked Ma-tsu, “What are you doing?” “I’m practicing meditation.” “Why?” asked the master. Said Ma-tsu, “I want to attain enlightenment; I aim to become a Buddha.” Master Nan-yüeh thereupon picked up a rough tile lying nearby and began to vigorously rub it against a rock. “What are you doing?” asked Ma-tsu. Said the master, “I want to make this tile into a mirror.” “How is it possible to make a tile into a mirror?” asked Ma-tsu. Retorted Nan-yüeh: “How is it possible to become a Buddha by doing meditation?… If you keep the Buddha seated, this is murdering the Buddha.”

Modern-era Zen master Shunryu Suzuki clarifies: “We practice zazen meditation to naturally express True Nature, not to ‘attain enlightenment.’” And one of Zen master Sengai’s (1751-1837) famous cartoonish Zen paintings shows a smiling frog sitting on a lily pad, with the caption: “If by seated meditation one becomes a Buddha… [implication: then all frogs are Buddhas!]”)

WHAT IS BUDDHA?
A monk asked Master Chao-chou (778-897): “What is the Buddha?” The master replied: “The one in the hall.” The monk said, “But the one in the hall is an image, a mere statue, a lump of mud.” Chao-chou agreed, “That’s true.” “So,” persisted the monk, “what is the Buddha?” Chao-chou responded: “The one in the hall!”

A CUP OF TEA
In the early 20th century, Zen master Nan-in received a university professor who came to ask about Zen. But instead he only talked on and on about his own ideas. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then, while the man continued to speak, Nan-in kept on pouring the tea. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. “You fool! It is overfull. No more will go in!” Nan-in replied, “Like this cup, you are also too full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your mind?”

INSIDE-OUTSIDE
A student spoke up in the assembly at one of the centers of Korean Son/Zen master Seung Sahn (Soen-sa nim, 1927-2004), saying, “It seems that in Christianity God is outside me, whereas in Zen God is inside me, so God and I are one, correct?” Soen-sa said, “Where is inside? Where is outside?” Said the student: “Inside is in here; outside is out there.” Asked Soen-sa: “How can you separate? Where is the boundary line?” “I’m inside my skin, and the world is outside it.” Soen-sa then said, “This is your body’s skin. Where is your mind’s skin?” “Mind has no skin.” “Then where is your mind?” “Inside my head,” said the student. “Ah, your mind is very small. (Laughter all around.) You must keep your mind big. Then you will understand that God, Buddha, and the whole universe fit into your mind.” Then, holding up his watch, Soen-sa said, “Is this watch outside your mind or inside it?” “Outside,” said the student. Soen-sa replied in his usual fashion: “If you say ‘outside,’ I will hit you thirty times. If you say ‘inside,” I will hit you thirty times.”… After a silence, Soen-sa continued: “Don’t make inside or outside. Okay?”

PUT IT DOWN
On another occasion, Soen-sa nim quoted to a student the ancient Zen teaching, “Originally all things are empty.” “Yet,” said Soen-sa, “you want to attain enlightenment. This is funny. Put it down! Put it down! [Let it go!] Now, this is funny. What is there to put down?”

THE CONTEST
One summer day Chao-chou proposed a little contest of Zen repartee with his attending disciple, Wen-yuan: to see who could identify himself with the lowest thing in the scale of human values. Chao-chou began: “I am a donkey.” Wen-yuan: “I am the donkey’s buttocks.” Chao-chou: “I am the donkey’s dung.” Wen-yuan: “I am a worm in the dung.” Chao-chou, unable to think of a rejoinder, asked, “What are you doing there?” Replied Wen-yuan: “I am spending my summer vacation!” Chao-chou laughingly conceded defeat.

GENEROSITY
Zen master Ryokan (1758-1831) lived austerely and simply in a little hut below a mountain. One evening a thief visited the hut only to find nothing there to steal. So he went off into the night. Ryokan caught up with him: “You may have come a long way to visit me, and you should not return empty handed. Please take my clothes as a gift.” The bewildered thief took the clothes and slunk away. Ryokan sat naked, watching the moon. “Poor fellow,” he mused, “I wish I could give him this beautiful moon!”

SPEAKING OF THE TEACHER
A visiting monk was taking leave of master Ch’ang Kuan of Wu-feng (9th cent.). The master said to him, “When you travel around, don’t slander me by saying that I am here.” The monk said, “I won’t say you’re here.” The master asked, “Where would you say I am?” The visiting monk held up one finger (to symbolically express the Zen intuition of oneness). “Ah,” said the master, “you have already slandered me.”

FAREWELL
Japanese master Hoshin told his disciples: “It is not necessary for a Zen master to predict his passing, but if he really wishes to do so, he can.” “Can you?” asked a student. “Yes. I will show you what I can do seven days from now.” None of the disciples believed him, and most had forgotten his words when he called them together again. “Seven days ago, I said I was going to leave you. It is customary to write a farewell poem, but I am neither a poet nor calligrapher. One of you please inscribe my last words.” His disciples thought he was joking, but one started to write. Hoshin dictated: “I came from brilliancy / and return to brilliancy. / What is this?” The poem was one line short of the customary four, so the disciple said, “Master, we are short by one line.” Hoshin, with the roar of a conquering lion, shouted “Kaa!” and was gone.

A FORMAL DISCOURSE
One day Ch’an master Yang-chi (992-1049), after meditating with the large assembly of monks, got up to give the formal lecture on the way of enlightenment. Gazing out at all the monks, he instead began laughing. “Ha! Ha! Ha! What’s all this? Ha! Ha! Please go to the back of the hall and drink some tea!”

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